The reasons why, despite everything convention tells us, we decided to share our pregnancy-after-miscarriage news early.
When J and I first began discussing trying to get pregnant again after the miscarriage of our third baby, one of the things we talked about was how we’d handle announcing the news.
With our first baby, G, we shared our pregnancy as soon as we found out- at 6 weeks. We were excited and we didn’t want to wait to celebrate with our friends and family. Plus, my brother and his wife were already expecting a baby. We wanted to share that there’d soon be baby cousins.
When we got pregnant with B, we kept it a secret from everyone until we were 10 or 12 weeks along. To be honest, looking back, I don’t recall why we decided to wait. We knew the statistics about miscarriage, but I don’t think that was the only motivating factor in saving our news.
We were trying to get pregnant with our third, so we knew right away, at four weeks. We told our families and a few close friends, but for the most part we guarded our secret, waiting to make the news official until we were safely out of the first trimester. At the end of the twelfth week of pregnancy, we made the news Facebook official and shared it with the world.
Three days later, I miscarried.
My first instinct regarding a fourth pregnancy was to hold tightly to the news. The more I thought about it, though, the more firmly I came to realize this truth: the pain we experienced when we lost the baby was not magnified because of how many people knew about our pregnancy. The loss hurt because our baby died; it didn’t hurt because we had to tell people.
In fact, as I mentioned in my post about helping a friend through her miscarriage, the comments from friends- especially those who have experienced miscarriage themselves- were comforting.
Ultimately, we decided not to wait until we made it to the second trimester to share our happy news.
Why We Shared Our Pregnancy-After-Miscarriage News Early
We want to celebrate this baby
We are so happy about this pregnancy. This baby was planned for and wanted and loved long before we saw two lines on a pregnancy test. It is our desire to celebrate this little life; we hope and pray that we’ll get to keep celebrating for decades to come, but if that isn’t the case, we want to rejoice for the eight or ten or twenty weeks we have.
What we don’t want is to share our pregnancy news with people in the same breath we share our miscarriage news.
We want to be hopeful
I can’t spend this entire pregnancy holding my breath and waiting for something to go wrong. Well, actually, I could; I can very easily see myself doing that. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a nervous wreck for months on end, and I don’t want to stress this pregnancy away.
We want to be happy and excited and hopeful and joy-filled, just as we were with our last three pregnancies. So if our main motivating factor for waiting to share our news was “in case we miscarry again”, J and I both knew that wasn’t a good enough reason.
We want to ask for prayer
Just a few weeks into this thing and I’m already working overtime to get a handle on my anxiety. We shared the news with our Sunday school class pretty early on because we wanted to ask for prayer: prayer that the baby stays safe and prayer that our nerves don’t get the best of us, especially as we wait to get past the first trimester.
We want support if the worst happens
As painful as it was to go through the aftermath of our miscarriage, I can’t imagine doing it on my own. Even though so many people didn’t understand our experience, and we were largely underwhelmed and disappointed by their responses, we did appreciate the well-wishes and the women who were willing to relive their pain to share their own experiences with me.
If we don’t get to meet this baby here on Earth, we want the support of those around us while we mourn that.
In the meantime, we’re going to love and celebrate this baby like the gift from God it is.