The reasons why, despite everything convention tells us, we decided to share our pregnancy-after-miscarriage news early.
When J and I first began discussing trying to get pregnant again after the miscarriage of our third baby, one of the things we talked about was how we’d handle announcing the news.
With our first baby, G, we shared our pregnancy as soon as we found out- at 6 weeks. We were excited and we didn’t want to wait to celebrate with our friends and family. Plus, my brother and his wife were already expecting a baby. We wanted to share that there’d soon be baby cousins.
When we got pregnant with B, we kept it a secret from everyone until we were 10 or 12 weeks along. To be honest, looking back, I don’t recall why we decided to wait. We knew the statistics about miscarriage, but I don’t think that was the only motivating factor in saving our news.
We were trying to get pregnant with our third, so we knew right away, at four weeks. We told our families and a few close friends, but for the most part we guarded our secret, waiting to make the news official until we were safely out of the first trimester. At the end of the twelfth week of pregnancy, we made the news Facebook official and shared it with the world.
Three days later, I miscarried.
My first instinct regarding a fourth pregnancy was to hold tightly to the news. The more I thought about it, though, the more firmly I came to realize this truth: the pain we experienced when we lost the baby was not magnified because of how many people knew about our pregnancy. The loss hurt because our baby died; it didn’t hurt because we had to tell people.
In fact, as I mentioned in my post about helping a friend through her miscarriage, the comments from friends- especially those who have experienced miscarriage themselves- were comforting.
Ultimately, we decided not to wait until we made it to the second trimester to share our happy news.
Why We Shared Our Pregnancy-After-Miscarriage News Early
We want to celebrate this baby
We are so happy about this pregnancy. This baby was planned for and wanted and loved long before we saw two lines on a pregnancy test. It is our desire to celebrate this little life; we hope and pray that we’ll get to keep celebrating for decades to come, but if that isn’t the case, we want to rejoice for the eight or ten or twenty weeks we have.
What we don’t want is to share our pregnancy news with people in the same breath we share our miscarriage news.
We want to be hopeful
I can’t spend this entire pregnancy holding my breath and waiting for something to go wrong. Well, actually, I could; I can very easily see myself doing that. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a nervous wreck for months on end, and I don’t want to stress this pregnancy away.
We want to be happy and excited and hopeful and joy-filled, just as we were with our last three pregnancies. So if our main motivating factor for waiting to share our news was “in case we miscarry again”, J and I both knew that wasn’t a good enough reason.
We want to ask for prayer
Just a few weeks into this thing and I’m already working overtime to get a handle on my anxiety. We shared the news with our Sunday school class pretty early on because we wanted to ask for prayer: prayer that the baby stays safe and prayer that our nerves don’t get the best of us, especially as we wait to get past the first trimester.
We want support if the worst happens
As painful as it was to go through the aftermath of our miscarriage, I can’t imagine doing it on my own. Even though so many people didn’t understand our experience, and we were largely underwhelmed and disappointed by their responses, we did appreciate the well-wishes and the women who were willing to relive their pain to share their own experiences with me.
If we don’t get to meet this baby here on Earth, we want the support of those around us while we mourn that.
In the meantime, we’re going to love and celebrate this baby like the gift from God it is.
I love this so much, Abby and am so excited for you guys. I’ve talked about things like this with my hubby and with other friends, and I agree so much! We need the help, prayer, and support of those around us, and I know that I just wouldn’t be able to struggle alone and not let them know why. Praying for you already and so excited to be along for the journey. Bumpdates please 🙂
Thank you, Kelsie! I know this type of thing is a personal decision, I just urge those who decide to wait to share their news to really consider why they’re doing it.
No bumpdate promises, but I’ll see what I can do 🙂
Nina @ Hugs and Lattes says
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Praying for a healthy time in the womb and a healthy delivery! 🙂
Thank you, Nina! We appreciate the prayers!
Angela @ Setting My Intention says
“The loss hurt because our baby died; it didn’t hurt because we had to tell people.” That seems so obvious, but it’s really insightful. I’m so happy for you guys! I’ll be praying along with you and praying for peace that passes understanding for you Abby.
I agree; that seems obvious, but it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. I think people wait until it’s “safe” to share their pregnancy news for that reason, but they don’t really consider that there will be pain regardless.
Thank you for your prayers!
Clare Speer says
Congrats! I just became a first time grandmother! Thrilled for you!
Thank you, Clare, and congratulations to you, too! According to my parents, being a grandparent is the best thing ever!
Angie Scheie says
Congrats on your pregnancy! Such exciting news! I don’t think there is a right or wrong in when you choose to tell people. As someone who is in the trenches of infertility, we conceived after several treatments, told some close family and friends, and then miscarried at 10 weeks. A year later we still haven’t been able to get pregnant again. We had a group of friends that we had to tell we were pregnant in the same breath with the miscarriage news. One those friends was upset that she couldn’t experience the joy and celebrate with us, and she only could comfort in the bad.
However, for me much of the pain were those moments of celebration that led to hope being dashed. I still can’t think about us telling my parents without breaking down and crying. For us, if God blesses us again with a baby (and we pray every day that he does) I think we will wait longer. It doesn’t make my decision any more right, it’s just what I feel. We will still need people there to support us if we lose another baby, but I can’t stand the thought of getting other people’s hopes up along with my own fragility. It’s easier for me to tell them in one breath. I admire you though for your openness, and I pray for a joy filled, anxiety-free pregnancy!
This is such a personal decision. If I was in your shoes and had experienced infertility, I might do the same thing. It sounds like you’ve given it a lot of thought, though, which is what I’d urge any woman to do, rather than blindly follow the “wait until it’s safe” assertion you hear so often.
I pray you are able to conceive and deliver a baby.
Jenna @ A Savory Feast says
This is so good! I think it’s great to be able to have the love and support of those around you, especially after going through a miscarriage. Congrats!
Thank you, Jenna! You’re right; the support and love is invaluable.
Your hope and attitude are inspiring! I am sure there are countless women who are touched by your openness and honesty!!! Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby!
Thank you for your kind words, Elise, and for your prayers!
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
Psalm 55:22 NIV
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Philippians 4:6 NIV
I have experienced similar loss and the Lord has sustained me. I am now in my second trimester with my third pregnancy and I choose to trust the Lord every day regaurdless of the outcome!
Look to The Lord , your friends and family to be there for you.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NIV
I hope that encourages you and you will be in my prayers.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Stephanie! I’m in my second trimester now, too. You’ll be in my prayers.
This was so helpful!!! I had a miscarriage in February with my 3rd pregnancy, and have wondered how and when to announce when we get pregnant again. My biggest hold up is my 5 year old daughter. We told early on with the last pregnancy because I had never miscarried before and assumed all would be fine. My daughter was SO excited and then was sad and asked lots of questions after we had to tell her our baby was with Jesus and not coming in August. I wrote a blog after the loss about celebrating pregnancies early because we believe in life at conception, but now I feel torn between that and disappointing my 5 year old again. Thoughts?
I’m sorry for your loss. Our oldest was barely 4 when we miscarried and hadn’t grasped what was going on, so he wasn’t upset about the baby. He was, however, upset that I was upset. That’s something to consider. You could spare your daughter the pain of knowing you’d lost a baby (if it happened again), but would it be more confusing to her if she wasn’t able to grieve with you? Plus, could you keep your excitement/anxiety/anticipation from your daughter for the six or eight weeks you waited for it to be “safe” to share?
I had mostly assumed we’d wait to share the news with this latest pregnancy, but once we got the positive test, suddenly all those reasons to wait didn’t make much sense. I think, when you conceive again, you’ll have a more clear idea of what to do.
I loved reading this!!! I just found out I am pregnant. I have a 4 year old and I have had 2 miscarriages. My automatic feeling was I can’t share my joyful news in fear it will jinx it. However, after reading this and thinking to myself why do I want to withhold my exciting news. So, here is to rainbow babies and all the positive vibes and prayers!
Congratulations, Nina! I’m so happy for you. I don’t think sharing the news early is for everyone, I just wish women- and men- would reconsider the reasons they’re choosing to wait. If it’s because you’re “supposed to,” I don’t think that’s good enough. I’m so happy you’ll have even more time to celebrate your baby.
Thank you for this! I am 6 weeks pregnant, just 3 months after a miscarriage- something I didnt think would happen so soon. I have tremendous anxiety and pain in grief still. And so I want to tell others so that we can have others pray for us. This was an encouragement to me. Thank you.
I’m so glad you found this post, Betty! I pray you’ll do what feels best for you and for your family. As far as anxiety during pregnancy after miscarriage, I wrote about that, too: http://winsteadwandering.com/anxiety-after-miscarriage/