Plenty of articles have circulated the internet with lists of things you should and shouldn’t say to a woman who has recently miscarried. Because I have my own perspective on pregnancy loss, I thought I’d offer up my own suggestions.
1. let her talk about it
In many ways, losing a pregnancy is like having a baby (except, of course, in all of the ways it isn’t). One of the similarities is that every women comes out the other side with a unique battle story. While miscarriage is heartbreakingly common, the experience itself is as individual as the woman experiencing it.
That’s why women want to share their stories. It isn’t something I’d ever discuss during one of those “when my child was born…” conversations that inevitably develops from time to time when moms get together. But in the first couple of weeks after we lost our baby, it was cathartic to talk things through (I suppose it still is, which is why I choose to write about it).
2. help out
Some more similarities between miscarriage and pregnancy: after the fact, both parents are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. Any older siblings are confused. Life will never be the same. In the days following a miscarriage, surgery might be required and medication might be prescribed, leaving parents even less equipped to handle day-to-day responsibilities.
With that in mind, consider what you would do to help a new mom. Bring supper? Baby-sit? Clean house? Even though the parents haven’t welcomed a new baby, their world has still been turned upside down. Extend help in whatever way you can. Avoid empty offers, though; instead of “let me know what I can do to help” or “call if you need anything”, be firm. Send a text that says “I’m bringing supper in an hour” or “I’m taking your kids for the day tomorrow, see you at 9:00”.
3. ask how she’s doing- how she’s really doing
We all do it: offer a casual “how are you?” as a passing greeting. Often, no one gives- or wants- an honest answer. When you have a friend who has lost a baby, take the time to ask how she’s doing, how she’s really doing. Make sure she knows that you are asking for- and can handle- a genuine response. Hearing her raw grief firsthand will be hard, but having you there to listen is a gift your friend won’t forget.
4. offer a distraction
In the days and weeks after miscarriage, it’s hard to think about anything else. Sometimes it’s hard to want to think about anything else, or to imagine ever thinking about anything else. If you want to help, offer the opportunity to get out of the house, to attempt to escape the thinking. Have lunch, get a pedicure, or just go for a drive. A few hours out and about can be healing and remind her that one day life will feel “normal” again.
6. share your story
Until my own miscarriage, I had no idea how common they are. I also didn’t know, save for a few people, how many women in my life have suffered one. During the four days I was off work following my miscarriage, it seemed every day J. came home and told me that another coworker had revealed that she’d suffered a miscarriage in the past. Just since posting our own story, I’ve heard personal pregnancy loss stories from women I’ve known half my live.
For whatever reason, miscarriage seems to be a pretty taboo topic, but it’s comforting to know there are women around who have experienced similar pain. It’s helpful to see them carrying on with life, not forgetting their unborn child but living with the loss.
7. remember the dates
In the weeks following her miscarriage, your friend will begin to heal. You’ll think she’s doing a lot better, and she probably will be. But there will be dates and events that trigger the tears and bring her right back to those first few days after the loss.
Friends who announced a pregnancy around the time she did will start to show, and they’ll find out the gender of their baby. She’ll be happy for them, but she’ll also be grieving for herself and her family. The due date will be hard. If you can, remember these dates that will always be important to her. Swoop in and offer a shoulder, an ear, a laugh. Or wine.
8. don’t forget about dad
Dad’s role in the aftermath of miscarriage isn’t as clearly defined as Mom’s. It’s a widely accepted fact that, because they aren’t the parent who is pregnant, it’s sometimes more difficult for Dad to bond with baby until he or she is born. I think that makes a pregnancy loss hard for the guys.
When a woman miscarries, she can treasure the time she had with the baby. She can take comfort in the fact that she loved the little bean inside her. A man doesn’t have that connection. While he’s mourning the loss of his unborn child and worrying day and night about his wife, he doesn’t have that brief connection to cling to. So when you’re comforting a sobbing, bereft wife, don’t forget that her husband is being torn apart, too.
Note: this post is based solely on my own experience with pregnancy loss. Obviously, the suggestions listed above are not one-size-fits-all. The best way to help a friend through miscarriage- or through any difficult time- is to be patient, empathetic, and available.
What would you add to this list?
You’ve compiled a great list. This is a very tough subject because I know a lot of it depends on the person’s personality. I think it’s just important to let them know you are there for them.
You’re right, the most important thing anyone can do when a friend is experiencing something tough is be available.
9. Don’t be afraid to say her child’s name.
After a miscarriage a women starts to feel like no one else knew her child and as if no one even acknowledges the fact that there was a baby. When talking to a friend who miscarried, refer to their unborn child with the child’s name, if they were given one. It makes the women feel more comfortable and more at ease. It lets her have comfort in hearing her child’s name.
Thank you so much for adding this! My husband and I decided not to name the baby we lost, so I didn’t even think of it.
Example: instead of referring to “the mothers due date” it was that baby’s due date. My case, Cameron’s first birthday should’ve been last month. It’s more comforting in hearing your baby’s name.
You’re right, that would feel so much better. I think just talking about the baby in general is helpful, too. Friends might assume that discussing the child is painful, but it’s painful regardless, and talking about it can make mom feel like she isn’t the only one who misses the baby.
Exactly. Talking about the baby as a rule person is comforting because to the mother, that was her child that she lost. She knew that baby. It was real.
Well said.
I’ve never experienced a miscarriage but I have had friends who have. I can only imagine how hard it is to go through something like this, especially multiple times. I think you have a great list here that will be useful to anyone who needs it!
Thank you for the kind words!
I’ve never had a friend experience a miscarriage, so I can’t add anything to the list, but I feel like all of these things are wonderful and helpful. I was surprised to learn that miscarriages are more common than most people think and it shouldn’t be something we all hide or shy away from talking about.
I was shocked by that number, too, Miranda. I know miscarriage is a private experience for some families, but I hate that women feel uncomfortable discussing it. That’s something I’m trying to do my part to change.
This was great post, it is just one of those moments where you really don’t know what that person is feeling. It’s more then just a passing of a family member..it’s their child. Sometimes I feel like when I say I’m sorry it just doesn’t cut it!. You just are put in a position that you don’t know what to say..Thanks for sharing!
You’re right, Stacy, it’s definitely a position that no one- parents, friends, doctors- wants to be in. As someone who prefers to help in a tangible way, I find the grief of others especially hard to deal with. But as someone who has miscarried, I can assure you that most often just the presence of a friend is enough.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve never been pregnant so I don’t know how this feels, but I think you’ve given so wonderful advice for those of us who haven’t experienced this to help those who have.
Thank you for your kind words. I do hope it proves helpful to someone.
Yes, yes, yes. Remembering the dates isn’t something that I really expect, because I didn’t put them out there at first, but especially the one about remembering the father…yes, please. He’s going through just as much, only in different ways. I hate it when people totally ignore our two losses, because they WERE and ARE our children. I don’t expect them to pity us, in fact, I HATE pity, but I do appreciate it when people ask how we are doing, rather than carrying on as if it never happened. THANK YOU.
Thank you for your kind words! Before my miscarriage, I never would have known how to react to a friend’s loss (not that I have all the answers now). I’m so glad this resonated with you!
This is a great list. I just recently went through another miscarriage and I pretty new to blogging and I trying to work up the nerve to talk about it. I will be checking back to read your blog later. Stopping by from The Blog Love Project
I’m so sorry for your losses. I don’t think sharing is for everyone, but it’s been so therapeutic for me.
This is a great list of tips. I think most people don’t ask about miscarriage because they don’t want to probe, but it’s good to hear from someone who’s been there that talking about it is part of the healing process. Also, I like the tip about offering a specific way to help and being firm. I know if someone just asked me “what can I do to help,” I probably wouldn’t be able to come up with something because I wouldn’t want to over-burden them.
I’m the same way when it comes to accepting help. I think most people would never respond to “let me know if you need anything” because it can feel like an empty request.
What a great list, and so helpful! As a person who has had multiple miscarriages, it is important that you remember the child. Not just the name and date, but really keep that child’s memory alive. Sometimes those of us that have had a loss feel like we are the only ones that are doing it.
You’re so right. My husband and I chose not to name our baby, so I forget about the name part. Before I miscarried, I didn’t understand how much the loss sticks with you. I think a lot of people don’t realize that.
In going through any type of loss, people need to know that that person WANTS to talk about it, so don’t shy away from the topic or get weird if they start talking about it. When I found out I couldn’t have children and finally told our best friends, they just listened and asked questions and it was wonderful. I’ve never miscarried, and I can’t imagine it. I wish for strength and peace for every couple who has gone through that.
You’re right, talking is so helpful. I generally don’t like talking about heavy stuff, so I can see why people like to avoid it, but part of being a friend is pushing past your own discomfort.
Reblogged this on flyhighblogger and commented:
most people do not fully understand what a miscarriage does to a person. take a minute to read this, to try and understand.