Winstead Wandering

Prone to Wander

My Subchorionic Hemorrhage Story

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This is my subchorionic hemorrhage story: how it happened, what it was like, and how we’re doing now.

This is my subchorionic hemorrhage story: how it happened, what it was like, and how we're doing now.

Spoiler alert: this story has a happy ending. There were a few hours, though, hours that stretched into days and weeks, of anxiety and uncertainty.

My Subchorionic Hemorrhage Story

“I’m bleeding.”

It was the last Saturday in January. My aunt and uncle left around nine in the morning after a fun surprise visit. J took both kids to the golf course and I laid down for a nap. When they got home a few hours later, I got up and fixed the kids lunch and helped get them down for their naps. I got back in bed for another nap while the kids took theirs because I was still so tired.

I don’t know how long I slept before waking up, but I knew immediately something was wrong. If you’re a woman who’s had a period, you can probably relate to the feeling I had while laying in bed. I could tell I was bleeding, but in that strange state between sleep and wakefulness, it took me a few seconds to register the incongruity of the situation.

I was 14 weeks pregnant. Leaping out of bed, I found that I’d literally been lying in a pool of blood. After sprinting the few steps to the bathroom, not knowing what else to do, I sat down on the toilet. So much blood was pooled in my panties that, as I pulled them down, it splattered on the wall of the narrow water closet.

I shouted for J, but he was two rooms over and wearing headphones. I shouted again, and then I screamed his name. He came rushing into the room and I choked out, “I’m bleeding.” It was immediately clear to us both that I needed to get to the ER.

J’s parents had just left for a few days out of town, so he called his grandmother to come sit with the kids. I changed my panties and pants and grabbed a heavy duty pad absorb the blood during the 35-minute ride to the hospital. As soon as I stood up, though, I felt the pad fill with blood. I sat back down, replaced it with a fresh one, and tried again. Just like the first time, the pad filled with blood before I could make it to the hallway. Finally, after the third attempt, the bleeding seemed to have stopped enough for us to head to the car. We didn’t stop to grab a snack or pack a bag; J folded a couple bath towels for me to sit on and off we went.

I don’t remember what we talked about on the ride to the hospital; I remember praying, over and over again, “God, please don’t take this baby from us.” I knew what that amount of blood meant. It had to mean I was miscarrying the baby. After miscarrying our third pregnancy at 12 weeks, I’d just begun to feel hopeful again. J would tell me later that he was praying he wouldn’t lose the baby and me. He was concerned by the amount of blood he’d seen.

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Quinn’s Birth Story

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A VBAC, a premature birth, and a perfect baby girl: here’s Quinn’s birth story.

A VBAC, a premature birth, and a perfect baby girl: here's Quinn's birth story.

Several days before Quinn was born, J and I stood in the kitchen as I told him, “I feel like I’m going to have the baby soon.” I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why I felt that way but, even though I was five weeks from my due date, I did.

J and I attended a professional development workshop on Tuesday, June 28. I thought I was going into labor on the way there. My contractions were regular and fairly intense, but once we parked and walked in, they subsided and we went about our day.

On Thursday, June 30, I had a regularly-scheduled OB appointment. I got ready for my 10:30 appointment, all the while suspecting my water had broken. There wasn’t a big gush of fluid like I experienced with G and B, but I thought there was leaking. I brushed that intuition aside, though, convincing myself it was just another layer of the paranoia and anxiety I’d experienced throughout the pregnancy.

A VBAC, a premature birth, and a perfect baby girl: here's Quinn's birth story.

There must have been a small part of my brain that understood what was happening, though, because I took a few minutes to toss some last minute toiletries and clothes in my bag that was packed and sitting in the bedroom, waiting for the we needed it.

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Anxiety After Miscarriage: A Womanly Wednesday Guest Post

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It’s not something you hear discussed often, but it’s something that’s very much a part of my life right now: here is my anxiety after miscarriage story.

It's not something you hear discussed often, but it's something that's very much a part of my life right now: here is my anxiety after miscarriage story.

I’m so excited and grateful to be sharing my story of anxiety after miscarriage as a Womanly Wednesday post on Sobremesa Stories. Lauren has featured so many strong, beautiful, courageous women as part of her Womanly Wednesday series; I’m thrilled she gave me the opportunity to contribute to that legacy today.

Anxiety After Miscarriage: A Womanly Wednesday Guest Post

I don’t consider myself a particularly anxious person. Yeah, I definitely have those, “My parents are calling after 9:00 pm- oh-my-gosh-who-died!?” moments, but I don’t typically lay awake at night worrying over things, and I’ve never had even a hint of a panic or anxiety attack.

That’s why I’m still surprised that, as I approach the final month of my fourth pregnancy- the time when baby is safe and would be healthy if delivered today- the anxiety I feel is at an overwhelming high.

I didn’t experience this anxiety with my first two pregnancies. They were both textbook smooth and, aside from an unplanned C-section with the first, both babies and I were healthy and happy. We grew our family at just the pace we had planned.

There aren’t words to describe the pain of miscarrying our third pregnancy at 12 weeks. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. It took my husband and I several months to decide we were ready to try getting pregnant again. When we succeeded a few months later, I immediately knew our fourth pregnancy would be different.

Gone was the carefree attitude of previous pregnancies. This time, I was conscious of every twinge of nausea and every new craving- every sign the pregnancy was progressing normally. It wasn’t until we passed the 12-week mark- the point we lost baby number three- that I felt able to take a deep breath and envision a future with a baby I was beginning to dream I might actually get to meet.

Head over to Sobremesa Stories to read the rest of my anxiety after miscarriage story.

It's not something you hear discussed often, but it's something that's very much a part of my life right now: here is my anxiety after miscarriage story.

How We’re Preparing Our Toddlers for a New Baby

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How we’re preparing our toddlers for a new baby: all our best tips and tricks and making a smooth transition to life with a newborn.

I recently wrote about why I’m glad my kids are close in age, but lately I’ve been feeling thankful for how aware and excited they are about this new baby. Whereas we weren’t able to do much to prepare an 18-month-old G for the arrival of his little sister, this time around we’ve been having real conversations.How we're preparing our toddlers for a new baby: all our best tips and tricks and making a smooth transition to life with a newborn.

G is five and B will turn four just days before the baby is born. Obviously, they can’t really comprehend all the ways their lives will change when we become a family of five- can anyone, really?- but we can take steps to make all of us as prepared as possible for the new baby.

 

How We’re Preparing Our Toddlers for a New Baby

We’re making changes now

It’s important to us that the kids don’t associate all baby-related changes with the baby. For instance, we recently moved B upstairs to make her old downstairs room available for the baby. We did the move more than five months before the baby is due because we don’t want B to feel like the new baby is kicking her out.

We hyped the transition as a move to her “big girl room,” and we discussed how fun it would be for her to sleep upstairs down the hall from her brother. Since the move, she’s stopped to look at her “baby sister’s new room” a few times, so I know she knows what’s happening, but so far she’s been only excited about her new room.

The other big change we’re making is moving G from his car seat in the second row of our car to a booster seat in the third row. This change is slated to happen in the next couple weeks because G, even more so than his sister, needs to be coaxed into change. He needs to be talked through the process before, during, and after it happens. He knows he’s moving and he knows the new baby will be in his old spot, but we’ve talked the whole thing up as a big-boy move because he’ll soon be starting big-boy school.

We call the baby by name

For the first twenty weeks of pregnancy, we were careful not to use any gender-specific pronouns when referring to the baby. We wanted the kids to realize we didn’t know the gender. We had a gender-reveal ultrasound at 18 weeks and found out we’re having a girl. Ever since, we’ve referred to the baby as “she” and as their “baby sister”. Now that we’ve settled on a name, we use it all the time so G and B can think of her as a person, as much as their toddler minds can.

They’re watching Daniel Tiger

If you’re a parent of a toddler and you’re not familiar with Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, you’re missing out. It’s an animated show that we watch via Netflix and it’s a loose spin-off of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. In every episode, Daniel faces typical toddler challenges: visiting the doctor, sharing with friends, trying new foods. For each scenario, there’s a catchy little jingle attached that Daniel and the other characters use to overcome the issue.

Daniel’s mom has a baby in the first episode of season two; many of the subsequent episodes confront typical big sibling drama: why does the baby cry all the time? why does she need mom and dad’s attention so much? why does the new baby get into my toys? G and B have been watching those episodes since before we got pregnant, but now we’re intentional about playing them.

If you don’t have Netflix, you can buy just the episodes about Daniel being a big brother on DVD.

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Unexpected Truths of Pregnancy After Miscarriage

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The redemption and hope of pregnancy after miscarriage is a beautiful thing, but it brings with it unexpected truths and anxieties. 

The redemption and hope of pregnancy after miscarriage is a beautiful thing, but it brings with it unexpected truths and anxieties.

I took my first two pregnancies for granted. I didn’t experience a single complication with either one, and since my mom had five healthy, mostly uneventful pregnancies, I naïvely expected mine would be the same. I took my third pregnancy for granted, too, until we lost the baby at 12 weeks.

Now, in my fourth pregnancy, I’m learning a lot about how different it is to carry a child after losing one.

Unexpected Truths of Pregnancy After Miscarriage

The anxiety doesn’t go away

I thought- and hoped- that the constant anxiety I felt would subside somewhat when my pregnancy progressed past the point I miscarried. In a lot of ways, it did. But in several other ways, it continues even though I’m more than halfway through my second trimester.

Part of the reason is that, in the nearly 12 months between the loss of our third pregnancy and the beginning of our fourth, I read a lot of blog posts and articles about pregnancy and infant loss. I sought out stories from women who could relate to my grief and, in doing so, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

I came to realize what I’d always known, but had never quite internalized: loss can come to anyone, at anytime. Reaching an arbitrary milestone doesn’t make me immune to that loss. I’ve learned I won’t truly feel this baby is “safe” until I hold her in my arms.

Signs of pregnancy are welcome

I would love to have sickness-free pregnancies. But I didn’t with my first three, so the morning sickness that occurred so frequently during the first dozen weeks of this pregnancy was welcome. While unpleasant, the nausea was a sign that pregnancy hormones were still running through my blood. I was still thankful when the morning sickness passed, but I appreciated it while it was around.

The big stuff becomes smaller

With my other pregnancies, we discussed possible names long before we found out the gender. The “big” ultrasound, the one with the gender reveal, was much-anticipated. This time around, our 20-week appointment, when we found out we’re having a girl, wasn’t the big to-do it’d been before, and we’ve only just begun discussing possible names.

Part of this, I’m sure, is due to the fact that we already have a boy and a girl. Maybe so many things about this pregnancy would be routine even if we hadn’t experienced miscarriage. I feel certain, though, that most of it’s because our main focus is the health of the baby. As long as we know she’s safe, everything else is secondary. Of course, that was the biggest priority for us before, too, but miscarriage brought it to the forefront.

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Baby Boy & Baby Girl Nursery Inspiration

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This post contains affiliate links; to learn more, see my disclosure policy

We might not know the gender of the baby yet- at least not for another week or two- but that hasn’t stopped me from dreaming of nursery decor.

As I begin to prepare for baby number three’s nursery, I really want to be intentional about creating a mellow space. I don’t want a room that screams “baby!”- the crib and diapers will take care of that- and I want to purchase and create pieces that can be used as the baby grows, or in other rooms in our house.

Baby Boy Nursery Inspiration

For a boy room, I love the idea of loosely following an adventure theme with a travel/global direction rather than a wilderness/camping vein. I’m not talking matching mobile and bumpers and wall art, but more of a sprinkling of perfect pieces.

Baby Boy Nursery Inspiration

  1. Adventure Awaits Sign | Signs from the Pines // I might have a mild obsession with globes and maps, which makes this pallet wood sign a perfect addition to a baby boy nursery
  2. Map Alphabet & Numbers | Cheeky Albi // No character prints in this room. These map pictures can easily be used down the road in the kids’ playroom
  3. Adventure is Out There Print | Wall Art Printables // This piece will grow with baby and be right at home in a kid’s room
  4. Upholstered Glider | Wayfair // I’ve known since baby number one that I wanted a chair like this in the nursery. I’ve yet to get one, but with two toddlers and a perpetually-noisy house, I’m making it a priority this time
  5. 4 Cubby Wall Shelf | Wayfair // I can’t take credit for this idea; I saw it in the beautiful nursery at Sloan and Co. and knew I wanted to incorporate something similar in mine
  6. Moutains Crib Sheet | Finley Baby // I fell in love with the unique colors in this crib sheet, as well as with the understated pattern
  7. Arrows Crib Sheet | Feather Their Nest // I’ve loved arrows for a while, but I feel like they’re becoming a little overdone. I don’t want to make the dominant theme in the nursery, but I would like to incorporate them in a small way

Baby Girl Nursery Inspiration

I’ve given a lot of thought to using to a few specific colors in a girl nursery, but in the end I decided I prefer dainty floral patterns. The walls in what will be the baby’s room are already gray, making them the perfect backdrop for whatever fun prints we decide to use.

Baby Girl Nursery Inspiration

 

 

 

  1. Mama & Baby Giraffe | Be Wild & Free // How precious is this floral watercolor print? The Etsy shop was similar ones with elephants, but these giraffes are my favorite
  2. Tassel Banner | Hobby Lobby // I know the colors of these tassels might not match perfectly with the other colors I’m likely to include in the room, but I can’t stop picturing it draped over the crib or hanging from a bookshelf
  3. Upholstered Glider | Target // This is the other glider I’m considering. I know I want gray, so now it’s about looking at price and reviews
  4. Run Wild My Child Sign | Handy Gerl // I loved this sign from the minute I saw it. I’d love to include several pops of gold in the nursery
  5. Floral Crib Sheet | Fox Hill Baby // This is the perfect crib sheet. I love that it’s pretty and dainty, but it doesn’t have stereotypical pastel colors
  6. Floral Pouf | Target // Initially, I just wanted a cute pouf to go with the glider. Then I found this beauty. I think it’s perfect, with it’s subtle floral theme and unexpected color

Maternity Clothes: What to Get & What to Skip

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Maternity stores would like you to believe you need at least one of everything they sell, but that’s just not true. Here’s a seasoned mom’s list of what you really need to make it through nine months of pregnancy.

Maternity stores would like you to believe you need at least one of everything they sell, but that's just not true. Here's a seasoned mom's list of what you really need to make it through nine months of pregnancy.

Maternity Clothes: What to Get & What to Skip

What to Get

Belly Band

I bought my belly band when I first got pregnant with G and it continues to be one of the best maternity purchases I’ve made. I first begin using it around 10 to 12 weeks when my pants will no longer button. The band sits around my waist and holds the pants up so I don’t have to worry about them falling down. When I transition to maternity pants, the band is helpful to hold them up when the built-in elastic is still a little loose.

Best of all, I wear the band for at least a few weeks- okay, fine, it’s more like a couple months- after baby arrives as I wait for my pre-pregnancy pants to fit again. These bands are miracle-working lifesavers. I can’t explain how much easier it makes the transition from regular pants to maternity pants and back again.

Mix and Match Pieces

maternity pantsmaternity top

Buying maternity clothes can be a fine line between trying to be frugal and wanting to look good at a time you often feel less-than-good. It’s so tempting to splurge on cute patterned pants or that wild top. I don’t have anything against pieces like that, and I even have a few in my own closet. When we’re talking maternity wear on a budget, though, it’s important to purchase every piece with the intention of wearing it with nearly every other piece you have.

If you buy patterned pants that really only look good with one top, you aren’t maximizing your money. Consider using your existing accessories, like brightly-colored scarves or funky jewelry, to liven up your maternity wardrobe.

Fitted Tees

Okay, first of all, when you’re pregnant, most anything is going to be “fitted”. Even so, there are still some dressy, flowing options available. I find I get much more use out of fitted tees than I do anything fancier, though. Even though I was working at a bank during my first two pregnancies, and I’ve been a teacher during my most recent two, I love that plain fitted tees can double as work wear and casual wear.

I can wear a tee like this, or this, or this, to work with a cardigan, a blazer, or just on its own and be perfectly in dress code (side note: I don’t think many bosses are going to question the hormonal pregnant lady if she happens to be pushing the dress code boundaries a little). I can wear the same tees with jeans and be casual. As someone who dresses up for work four out of seven days in a week, I appreciate clothes that pull double duty.

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The Significance of a Box of Diapers

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The hope and anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage.

The hope and anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage.

I bought a box of diapers the other day.

They’re size ones, much too small for our all-but-potty-trained three year old. They’re for our baby that’s due in July and I’m not sure I can fully explain what they represent.

With my three previous pregnancies, I began stocking up on diapers nearly from the beginning. I’d grab a package just about every trip to the grocery store. I’d buy other odds and ends here and there, as they were on sale and as I thought about what we’d need.

I bought a package of diapers several weeks into my third pregnancy. Luvs brand. I bought a few other things, too: an Ergo carrier that was an irresistible price on Amazon, and several maternity pants and shirts for the belly I knew would soon be expanding.

And then we lost the baby.

The diapers sat there on the shelf in my closet. The maternity clothes hung from the rod, washed and ready to be worn. When we moved into our new home five months after the miscarriage, the clothes moved right along with us; they’re now hanging among my cardigans and dress pants in my new closet.

The diapers came, too, though I’m not sure where they ended up. I don’t where the Ergo is, either. I didn’t ask because we didn’t need it.

But now we’re pregnant again and I just bought a box of diapers.

Like I said, it’s hard to really explain what these diapers mean. I lived in fear for the first several weeks of this pregnancy. Every twinge and ache had me anxious. I was certain every trip to the bathroom would be the one where I saw blood.

I was out shopping the week before Thanksgiving and I came across the most adorable maroon onesie with a bulldog applique (for Mississippi State University). It was perfectly gender neutral and I carried it around the store as I shopped. At the last minute I put it back; I couldn’t bring myself to make the purchase yet. I couldn’t let myself buy something for a baby I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to meet.

I’m only twelve weeks along now, the same gestation I was when I miscarried. J and I got to see our wiggly little 12-week-old on ultrasound the other day, something we didn’t get last time.

There’s still so much that can go wrong; I’m not sure I’ll ever get a full breath until the baby is here and in my arms. But in the last few weeks, I’ve managed to move from a place of fear to a place of hope. Instead of the dread that seemed to have made a permanent home in the pit of my stomach, I’m beginning to picture What’s Next: learning the gender, decorating a space for the little one, and becoming a family of five. All the things I didn’t realize I wouldn’t let myself think about.

I’m hopeful that we’ll get to meet and raise this baby, hopeful my kids will know the sibling they’ve already grown to love. I can’t pinpoint exactly when that transition happened, when I stopped holding my breath every time I used the bathroom, when I began to envision What’s Next.

But at some point it happened, that slow shift, and now I feel ready to embrace the anticipation of welcoming a baby.

So I bought a box of diapers.

The hope and anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage.

Why We Shared Our Pregnancy-After-Miscarriage News Early

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The reasons why, despite everything convention tells us, we decided to share our pregnancy-after-miscarriage news early.

The reasons why, despite everything convention tells us, we decided to share our pregnancy-after-miscarriage news early.

When J and I first began discussing trying to get pregnant again after the miscarriage of our third baby, one of the things we talked about was how we’d handle announcing the news.

With our first baby, G, we shared our pregnancy as soon as we found out- at 6 weeks. We were excited and we didn’t want to wait to celebrate with our friends and family. Plus, my brother and his wife were already expecting a baby. We wanted to share that there’d soon be baby cousins.

When we got pregnant with B, we kept it a secret from everyone until we were 10 or 12 weeks along. To be honest, looking back, I don’t recall why we decided to wait. We knew the statistics about miscarriage, but I don’t think that was the only motivating factor in saving our news.

We were trying to get pregnant with our third, so we knew right away, at four weeks. We told our families and a few close friends, but for the most part we guarded our secret, waiting to make the news official until we were safely out of the first trimester. At the end of the twelfth week of pregnancy, we made the news Facebook official and shared it with the world.

Three days later, I miscarried.

My first instinct regarding a fourth pregnancy was to hold tightly to the news. The more I thought about it, though, the more firmly I came to realize this truth: the pain we experienced when we lost the baby was not magnified because of how many people knew about our pregnancy. The loss hurt because our baby died; it didn’t hurt because we had to tell people.

In fact, as I mentioned in my post about helping a friend through her miscarriage, the comments from friends- especially those who have experienced miscarriage themselves- were comforting.

Ultimately, we decided not to wait until we made it to the second trimester to share our happy news.

Why We Shared Our Pregnancy-After-Miscarriage News Early

We want to celebrate this baby

We are so happy about this pregnancy. This baby was planned for and wanted and loved long before we saw two lines on a pregnancy test. It is our desire to celebrate this little life; we hope and pray that we’ll get to keep celebrating for decades to come, but if that isn’t the case, we want to rejoice for the eight or ten or twenty weeks we have.

What we don’t want is to share our pregnancy news with people in the same breath we share our miscarriage news.

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4 Things You Should Know About Having a VBAC

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After my first child was delivered via C-section, my doctor told me I’d never have a vaginal delivery. Here’s how and why I proved her wrong.

After my first child was delivered via C-section, my doctor told me I'd never have a vaginal delivery. Here's how and why I proved her wrong.

I’m so excited to be sharing my story on Scary Mommy today!

My husband and I paid zero attention to the C-section portion of our birthing class. We weren’t having one of those. We were having a good old-fashioned, drugged-up, vaginal birth, so all that other stuff didn’t apply. That was until I was three hours into pushing, epidural wearing off, and the doctor came in to explain I’d need a C-section. It turns out we didn’t really need much instruction on the topic, as the doctors and nurses did most of the work. My husband mastered the Gobsmacked Dad role with minimal direction, and I nailed my part as I Think I Can Feel That No. 3.

Despite being cast in a play we don’t remember auditioning for, the baby and I both made it through surgery fine. The days that followed were rougher than I imagined they’d be though. If you’ve had a C-section, you know the agony that is the first post-surgery shower. You know the hell of recovering from major surgery, riding out a hurricane of postpartum hormones and caring for a new baby.

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